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Updated: Aug 19, 2021

Once the honeymoon was over, things began to change. I persistently thought I was helping our marriage by telling hubby what he needed to do, to make things better. I couldn’t understand why he rejected this as being controlling and disrespectful. I then felt unloved. Most women recognise communication to be the area that needs the most improvement, whereas a lot of men think it's all okay. When they receive helpful advice, they hear words like ‘failure' or ‘no good’. Every man marries a woman who admires him and when we stop doing that, something in him checks out. Ephesians Chapter 5 tells 'wives to respect their husbands' as this gives him confidence that he can take on the world because he feels appreciated.

So wife, what can you do? Think about what he does that you can appreciate. It may be small but that’s good to start there. It can do a great deal to build him up. Tell him what you’re proud of, tell him he can do it. Little steps like this, as you believe in him, can take you a great distance.

Now for you husbands listen well! Her view of life is different to yours. She needs to be loved, valued, shown affection and always romanced. Affection for a woman is her oxygen but if there’s arguments or conflict she is almost totally debilitated and can’t function. Recently after an argument with my husband I didn’t feel settled or loved until we made it right.

God is pretty big on love, so big in fact He is love! (See 1 John 4:7-8). Christ died for the church which is His body and this is the picture that Ephesians 5 tells us is the type of love husbands are to have for their wives. This may seem insurmountable to you husband but it doesn’t have to be. Just start small with a little daily top up a touch or a smile and fill up her love tank with her particular love language. Be careful of going away to your cave as she sees this as you being upset with her. There may be no logic to this but who said there was logic in the emotional brain of a woman?

Sometimes my husband exclaims ‘feelings, feelings, feelings’ as it sends him a bit crazy. I tell him discuss this with God as that’s who created us and that’s how He created us girls. There is some logic somewhere for sure in the woman’s brain but emotionally, where our man is concerned, we get a little dippy (personally speaking of course). So guys, begin today with one small thing to show your lady that she is special and the only one for you. Believe me there will be many rewards. Wink, wink.

You get my drift?

Yes intimacy is very important for the emotional, physical and relational connectedness in marriage. I have, in my coaching practice, come across many women who feel unable to be intimate in that way after their emotional hurts have built-up to intolerable levels. But it might interest you to know that the nurturing hormone oxytocin, that we women have lots of, is increased in husbands at this time. So that’s how husbands get that connection through those intimate moments.

So what’s the answer to this disconnect in the bedroom? Husband: communicate affection and don’t jump on her, she needs time, love and to know that she is first in your life. Wives: recognise his physical needs, I’m not talking about being a doormat or an object to be used at all—no way! Try to show him respect for any area in his life that you can be proud of and he will love you for it. The bedroom will hopefully become a better place for both of you.

It’s about both husbands AND wives starting to move towards each other in respect, love and intimacy.

After all, it does takes two to tango!

God bless, Peta

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