Staying Together in a Christian Marriage

In the Bible marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman which underpins society.  

Christian marriages, you would think, would therefore have a better chance of staying together than other marriages. But this institution called marriage is hard for every couple. Unfortunately, the divorce statistics for marriages where both partners are Christ followers is just a fraction lower than non-Christian couples. 

Why is marriage so hard? What are the main problems in any marriage then?  

Part of the problem I believe is that men and women are so totally different in their thinking. It is somewhat true that ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ (a popular book on these differences by J. Gray). In the Christian community, the Feldhahns’ books ‘For men Only’ and ‘For women Only,’ after extensive research, confirms that men and women reason in diverse ways. fMRI brain scans show that male and female brains operate in almost opposite styles. Men’s brains are bigger, whereas the woman’s smaller  brain communicates more efficiently across the two hemispheres. As a result of these physiological differences, in general, women see intuitively across many streams of thinking while men focus on one thing well. Neither is better, just different. Put these two strengths together, two becoming one in marriage (Gen. 2:24; Mark 10:8),  produce a great strength.  

In my clinical experience working with couples over many years I have come up with my four top success strategies for marriages with Christ at the centre: 

1. Pray together   

2. Weekly dates   

3. Improve communication 

4. Accept Influence  

   
   

Many couples seem so busy today especially when kids come along and with the pressures of mortgages, rent, work, extracurricular activities for the kids. Committing to prayer together daily and independently for each other makes a big difference. It doesn’t matter who starts it, just start!  

What about the weekly date? It seems hard to fit in for most families I suspect. However, a weekly date for just the two of you, even when the kids arrive is a must. Find a way, even if you stay at home when the kids are little to give yourself this necessary luxury.  

Communication makes or breaks all relationships. It is vitally important in a good marriage.  

Every couple I work with in my practice report that communication is a problem and I agree as I watch them initially spar in my office.  

Communicating differently, using Compassionate Communication – works so much better, that I teach all my couples how to effectively communicate without blaming. This helps enormously.  

When spouses value and consider their partner’s opinions and needs, especially when the husband listens and values the wife’s take on the subject, has shown, in research, to positively impact a marriage.  

The Gottman Institute has done research for over 35 years, placing couples in laboratories and recording their interactions, with fascinating results.  

From this research, it seems that there are four main negative conflict styles that predict divorce. John Gottman names them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: they are contempt, accusation, stonewalling and defensiveness – there is plenty online to check out the remedies.  

You might be reading this and wondering what to do about your marriage that might be not going well. 

To stay together takes work. Hard work. It seems easier when there is strife to separate. Down the track though, those that have gone the way of divorce wish they had spent the time, effort and resources to work at it. In the end, it costs a whole lot less to invest in a marriage, like you would your car, your home or your kids’ education than the huge cost of divorce. Those who do work at it, report that by getting help, they are better off on the other side. 

God bless

Peta

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