LOVE IS BLIND

Peta Soorkia
Aug 28
6 min read

I was terrified on my wedding day! I’d been close to the big day a couple of times before and wasn’t quite sure whether this time it would be third time lucky on not. But phew! My fiancé and I got to the altar okay and the deed was done and it’s now 41 years later. (Praise God and Amen!)

I have become very well read on this subject due to the problems we subsequently faced. I also studied marriage and relationships for my counselling and coaching degree. I deeply care for couples in trouble so I became a credentialled Christian couples’ counsellor. I also work with couples thinking about marriage or planning a wedding. But the reason I researched it so much around the 20-year mark of our marriage was that we were in very big trouble to the point that I did not know if we would stay together.

So, I took myself off to a Christian bookshop and bought many books and started to read because I really needed help. Thankfully we got some help from our senior pastor and began to do some work with the help of marriage courses and we’re still working at it.

Mow each time we run a pre-marriage course for our church we remember and relearn what working at marriage looks like. We don’t always get it right. BUT we are both committed to stay together even if it gets tough.

All of us once we have found that right ‘one ‘we think we have hit gold finally. Of course we don’t go into marriage thinking that we could be one of the statistics, the one in three in Australia that end up in the divorce courts. No we are the ones that will be a success because we are so much in love. Right? Problem is that one in three do end up in divorce and if kids are involved it can be acrimonious, difficult and challenging for the rest of everyone’s lives. Both parents are connected to their children.

Research has suggested that people that do divorce, down the track wish that they had worked harder on their marriage. So what is the problem? What happens in marriage that changes two lovebirds into at best distant friends to keep the peace with the children or at worst bitter enemies targeting each other continuously through the children?

Staying in love is about effort, lots of it, determination to make it work. Falling out of love is a pathway to a different type of love once those heady feelings dissipate.

Here you might find some answers for your present difficulties.

There is some scary science about what happens pre-marriage and then I’ll look at what we need to do.

DOES SCIENCE EXPLAIN ROMANTIC LOVE?

Yes, it's about hormones being produced by the brain. When we fall in love, the body is flooded with hormones:

Dopamine: is the feel-good neurotransmitter linked to the reward system and falling in love increases dopamine like an addictive substance like cocaine impacts the brain (scary right?).

Oxytocin: is released which is the bonding hormone released during intimacy and plays an important role in long term attachment; and

Serotonin; regulates mood resembling obsessive-compulsive disorder (again scary stuff) but helps emotional stability long-term.

So these hormones set you and me up! But wait there’s more going on in the brain than just the production of these love hormones.

The brain locations:

Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA): motivates us to be close by producing dopamine- remember the addictive behaviour;

Amygdal: which processes emotions particularly fear, reduces activity when people are in love which promotes comfort and security (good but not good);

Prefrontal cortex: which is the rational thinking part of the brain becomes less active during early love stages, idealising romantic relationship (so our logics go out the window essentially, oh dear!) ^[1]

So the brain and hormones idealise the romance which makes it challenging once these settle and reality surfaces (can be from day one and up to seven years into marriage). This is when if help is needed, it’s very important to seek it before bad habits become entrenched and the couple drifts apart.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT LOVE?

There are different types of love described in the Bible. Agape love is the love that God has for us, it is unconditional and sacrificial and how we should as believers treat others, particularly our spouse when the romance fades.

Fileo love is close love between family and friends, it’s a beautiful bond like David and Jonathan’s in the Bible.

Storge is the love in families and includes protection and familiarity.

Then … there is Eros love. This is the romantic, passionate and physical love described in Song of Songs.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BECOME ONE? To become one the Christian couple, make a godly covenant to commit to work at marriage no matter what.

Here is a summary of the wedding vows that you might say or said:

The vows ask the couple individually to love, comfort, honour and protect each other forsaking all and to be faithful. Each take the other’s hand to be wife/husband to make their vows have and hold for better, worse, richer, poorer, in sickness or health, love and cherish till death… according to God’s holy law. The rings are exchanged as a sign and the statement to honour their bodies within the love of Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. It’s solemn and made before the marriage celebrant, friends and family but most importantly before God.

Think about the importance of these words. They are a promise to each other and the world to try to work at marriage with an understanding that sickness, worse things, being poor might be a part of the journey. And they are in most marriages. Trouble comes and protecting each other and loving anyway takes effort.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? INVEST

How did you meet your spouse? Can you remember how you felt and have things changed over time? Compare when you first fell in love and what happened down the track? What changed and did you stick it out and work at it? Did you put up and shut up for the sake of the kids or did it not work out? What would you do differently now?

If you are single and in love, I encourage you strongly to do some hard work before you pop the question or get to the big day. Australians apparently spend between $30,000 - $50,000 on the wedding day then we spend upwards of $600,000 (or much more) on a house and a mortgage or rent then $50-$100,000 on the cars and if we have children and we want them to go to private education hundreds of thousands of dollars for that.

But if we end up in the divorce courts the minimum cost is $30-$100,000! It’s a very expensive process to end it. And it can get nasty. I find this so sad. This is one reason why I work with couples, I love to see couples working things out and getting better themselves in the process.

INVEST INTO YOUR FUTURE!

Why don’t we spend a couple of thousand dollars as an investment for the lifelong commitment for pre-marriage work? Imagine if the couples in church could be the example of how to do marriage better? But we need to get trained up and keep working on it with courses, accountability and therapy if needed.

Here is what is possible for pre-married clients depending on their individual needs:

1. Commitment is at the heart of everything and includes forgiveness, safety, grace, logs & specks!

2. 2. Discover through a genogram the family traits that could be problematic to spiritually cleanse and retrain brain habits;

3. Find out about the differences in males’ and females’ brains and leanings;

4. Learn ways to communicate effectively for the rest of married life;

5. Look at the conflict styles that Gottman’s research over 40 years predict divorce and learn strategies to counter them;

6. Intimacy-got to talk about sex sometime, it may as well be now;

7. Children come 3^rdin the hierarchy order, otherwise everyone suffers;

Some things you can do now if you need help:

1. Get help go to CCAA to find a Christian counsellor in your area or reach out to me!

2. Exercise helps boost dopamine and serotonin improving mood and brain function so it becomes easier to maintain healthy relationships – I like my husband much better after I’ve had a swim in cold water!

3. Pray by yourself, and together and set up date nights each week. Talk a minimum of 10-30 mins per day. Research with Christian couples in the US, with Focus on the family show that dates and praying together are a game changer.

4. If you are thinking to pop the question or engaged do some training to make sure your eyes open before the wedding day. (Your church might run a course and/or go to a Christian counsellor who works with pre-marrieds or reach out to me)

Prayer:

I pray for all those couples thinking about marriage, or married and struggling. Lord open the eyes to see the logs in their own and seek help to be the best possible spouse they can be. To serve, love, forgive and work on their relationship. In Jesus name, Amen.

^[1] https://www.pacificneuroscienceinstitute.org/blog/brain-wellness-lifestyle/the-neuroscience-of-love-and-connection/ retrieved 15 Aug 2026

God bless